Marriages and Wedding Ceremonies
Marriages in Persia are frequently arranged by the parents and often they are planned years before the ceremony takes place.
Note: This article has been excerpted from a larger work in the public domain and shared here due to its historical value. It may contain outdated ideas and language that do not reflect TOTA’s opinions and beliefs.
“Marriages and Wedding Ceremonies” from When I was a Boy in Persia by Youel Benjamin Mirza, 1920.
Marriages in Persia are frequently arranged by the parents and often they are planned years before the ceremony takes place. When two good friends have the happiness to have one a daughter and the other a son it is considered a sufficient reason for a perfect match. In order to accomplish this purpose, their children must be married as soon as possible, or else upon growing up they may completely ruin the plans of their parents. Hence the early marriages. The boys and girls are usually married between the ages of fifteen and twenty. There are no bachelors and spinsters in Persia, nor even the words in the Persian vocabulary, as it is considered a great sin not to marry. In the years that I spent there I never saw or heard of any man or woman who had reached the age of maturity that was not enjoying his or her own family life.
Selecting a Sweetheart
The universal idea that the Persian young men and women have no chance whatever in selecting their wives or husbands is exaggerated. The parents naturally make plans for them and recommend that a certain one will make a better mate than the other, and the children, being obedient, usually take their advice; but they are not always compelled to abide by the decisions of their parents. I remember when I was twelve years old my mother had somebody in view for me. As I was the only child, she wanted me to get married as early as possible. But I frankly told her that I did not want a wife, and whenever she mentioned the subject of matrimony before me I would begin to cry, so the subject was dropped because she could not get my consent.
In the case of the marriage of a girl her consent must always be obtained, and if she says, "No," even on the last day, the marriage and agreement, should there be any between the parents, becomes null and void. For this reason the majority of the parents allow their boys and girls to decide their future plans and select their own sweethearts in their own way.
In selecting a sweetheart the following method is sometimes employed. When a young man has reached the age of manhood and finds no suitable girl in his own town, he begins to visit his friends and relatives in far-off towns and cities. While thus visiting he confesses to them his mission. They naturally know a few girls, and he is then told all they know about them, their parents and parents' parents, and whether any of the girls, to their knowledge, have ever been kissed. This would debar any girl in Persia from marrying into a good family.
There is no courting in Persia, in the American sense of the word. Neither are there any games such as post-office, or standing under the mistletoe. The boys do not take the girls to the theaters, dances, or dinners. When they have any dances the boys dance with boys, and the girls with girls. In short, they are not supposed to meet and get acquainted except when both parties are contemplating marriage, and even then the meeting must be in the presence of the girl's father.
In order to arrange this meeting the boy must, of course, have some excuse, so he immediately becomes an agent for his father or uncles to buy whatever the young lady's father has to sell. If the girl's father has nothing to sell, the youth will call anyway, with the hope of taking a glance at the girl. When the boy calls, usually with one or two of his chums, the girl's father understands his mission immediately. If the boy looks well and comes from a good family he is invited to have tea or sherbet. It being tea-time the young lady, not realizing a suitor is in the house, steps in in her every-day clothes and with her face uncovered and subject to good observation by the young candidate. If she does not come in the house when the suitor is there she will probably be sent for. If they mention the name of the young candidate and his purpose the chances are that she will stay away from her home, for the Persian girls are extremely bashful.
While having his tea he will, of course, say something about stock and the various things that he is expected to buy. His business, however, being pretty well known he is told that they have nothing to sell him. So he will finally take a last look at the girl and depart for his home and relatives. If the girl has not pleased him he will try some one else, but if she has he makes a favorable report to his father.
The father will then pick some of his best friends who are supposed to be diplomatic, and send them to the girl's father as alchies or special ambassadors, with the purpose of making marriage negotiations.
These alchies call on the girl's father, and their mission, of course, being understood, they are invited for afternoon tea, or dinner, or to smoke. One of them will suddenly remark while smoking, "I suppose you want to know why we are here." The father of the girl, according to the custom, plays ignorant, and asks them to tell him their mission. The alchies state their purpose, and, to make the negotiations interesting they are most politely refused by the father. They are expected, of course, to insist, and when they do so they are told, "Well, her mother knows about it.”
That means another trip must be made by women alchies as the men alchies have no right to talk to his wife. The boy's mother will then send some of her friends to ask the girl's mother. The same thing will again happen, as the future mother-in-law will refuse her consent until her daughter has been interviewed by one of these women.
If the girl really did not like the young candidate, there is nothing that would induce her then to marry him, but if she did, with a little coaxing her consent would be obtained and sooner or later a wedding would follow. On the other hand, if the boy and the girl admired each other, and their parents disagreed for some family reasons, they would elope and get married. Such cases have been known even in Persia, but the girl’s family cannot stand this humiliation, so they usually accuse the boy's family of kidnaping their daughter or taking her by force.
When the parties and their parents have agreed to a marriage, the question of dowry must be settled. The dowry is a certain sum of money or land stipulated by the girl’s father, which she will receive from her husband in case of a divorce. Besides the dowry, just before the wedding the young lady's mother goes to the bazars and shops selecting fine cloth for her daughter at the expense of her future father-in-law.
The Wedding
The Persian weddings are long and tiresome, especially to the bride and bridegroom. A day or so before the wedding the emissaries are sent by the parents of the young couple inviting their friends and neighbors to attend this affair. The emissaries carry with them apples and candy,
and, while they are presenting the invitations to the favored ones, they also give each an apple, saying, "This is your wedding and not ours; our boy is your boy,” or "Our daughter is your daughter. "
After the invitations are sent, preparation is made for the feasting. Several oxen are slaughtered to feed the guests and the poor of the village. For three or more days the boy's father furnishes two meals to everybody that comes into his house. He will sometimes even take strangers and passers-by into his home to eat and drink in celebration of the greatest event of the young groom 's life.
The first day is a preparation to receive guests and to exchange greetings. The young groom on this occasion is referred to as "King." He is kissed by his relatives and friends. In the home of the bride the wedding is looked upon in a different attitude. Her parents are down-hearted. Her mother cries continually because she is losing her daughter. Friends call and sympathize with her, assuring her that it is a blessing and that her daughter is doing her womanly duty.
On the groom's housetop two musicians with drums and a flute play merrily every day. As soon as the drum is heard the dancers begin to come. Then suddenly the most expert one in the crowd pulls out his many-colored handkerchief and begins to lead. They dance in a circle, going from right to left. Men dancers are usually rather rough. They look right and left, thumping their feet on the housetop, and the leader swings his handkerchief to and fro. To these dances everybody is admitted. The best one, of course, takes the lead, then comes the next best, and so on. I used to dance, but being young and inexperienced I was always placed at the tail end.
The wedding meal hours are announced from the housetop by the musicians. They have a certain tune for this part of the performance, just as the Army and Navy have a special bugle call by which the soldiers and sailors are summoned to their "chow." After the dinner, dancing and playing begin again. This time it is held in the house and sometimes continued until after midnight. At the night dance I never took part, as I was tired from dancing in the daytime. I usually slept on my mother's lap, or on the lap of some one who was not dancing.
Sometimes to make the entertainment more pleasant they have some special singers and players. There is no written music in Persia, consequently all the musicians must memorize their songs and notes. The musical instruments are Kamenja, (violin), Saz (mandolin), and Torr (guitar). Their music is very melancholy, and as you see from the illus- tration, practically all is in minor keys.
In our province there was a famous blind singer by the name of Ashag Mamet. He was employed at practically all important weddings, going from place to place on a donkey. In some ways he was the most remarkable man that I have ever seen. This Ashag (singer) could sing for three consecutive days without repeating a single song. As he sang he played his own instrument, Torr (guitar). His most famous song was "The Groom and His Beautiful Apple. " In this he compared the bride to a red apple on top of a tall apple-tree, and the groom to a boy who desired to eat the apple but was unable to reach it. He would sing this with such feeling that sometimes tears would roll down his cheeks.
The last day of the wedding is perhaps the most interesting of all, as the bride is brought to her father-in-law's home. If the bride does not live in the same town, some handsome young men are picked by the groom or his father and sent after her with a band of musicians. These men are armed to the teeth with guns, revolvers, and sabers. Upon reaching the bride's village, their band begins to play and they fire some blank cartridges. If the distance is very great they usually remain over night as the guests of the town. Otherwise they take the bride back immediately on a horse or a Takhtoravan. About a mile from home they begin their music and firing again to let the townsfolk know that the bride is on her way. When the groom hears the distant drum he mounts a horse and dashes down the street to meet his bride.
When within a few feet of her he gently throws her an apple and dashes back to his home, followed by the young men of the bride's party. They dash after him, and, if he is caught, they paddle him well. It is very seldom, however, that he is caught, as it is considered a great disgrace for a groom not to be able to run his horse faster than his opponents.
When the bride has finally reached her father-in-law's home she will be taken and entertained by a friend of the groom's mother. It is considered a great honor to entertain the bride. The lady who is so lucky as to receive this honor is supposed to protect and guard her fair guest very carefully. During the evening the groom and his best men make strenuous efforts to see the bride, but they cannot, for she is too well guarded, so they wait until the next morning.
After the bride has spent the night with her mother-in-law's friend she is then taken to the church, or sometimes to a friend's home, where the marriage ceremony is read. Then she is led, with the band of musicians, to her future home. Upon entering the gate, in order to have a fruitful future she is compelled to walk over a sheaf of wheat or vines. When she goes into her home and is comfortably seated, her presents are displayed. It is on this occasion that her artistic ability plays an important part. Everything that she has made, embroidered or woven in her girlhood is thrown on her trunk or on a piece of rope for people to look at. The onlookers, first saying, "Mashallah," congratulate her heartily, and the wedding festivities finally come to an end.
Mirza, Youel Benjamin. When I Was a Boy in Persia. Lothrop, Lee, Shepard Co., 1920
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